If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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