My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
