think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
