I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So many bounce houses so little time
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
