life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
