Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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