ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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