Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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