I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
