So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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