I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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