Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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