Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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