I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
