Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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