Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
it was like eating out sand paper
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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