where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
