im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
