i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you had me at cake vodka
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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