GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
