3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
