hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
