How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
