I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
