def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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