Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
