So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We're too hungover to prance.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
