She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
