I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
