Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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