I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
