I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
