hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
