The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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