i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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