yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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