so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
