the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
In America we eat man semen.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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