my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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