i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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