just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
