I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
