I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
