I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
