Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
