When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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