im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
