he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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