my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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