from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
