She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
