Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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