When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
