I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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